I thought you'd like to hear about tonight's amusing evening at Harrovians.
I'm not sure whether all the people are willing to have their antics described on a public blog so until I get permission I'm using initial letters.

J opens both halves of the evening with wide open arms.
B replaced me as Toastmaster as arranged last Saturday because the cold is making me lose my voice and standing up is tiring when you are ill, and he effortlessly told us in the first half that this is the important part of the evening and in the second half that this is the exhilarating part of the meeting.

The topics evaluator was given a topic: Should we have an extra bank holiday?'
He said it was a good idea from an employee's point of view. But as he was an employer, it would be paying workers to do nothing an extra day of the year.
When he came to evaluate he got to his speech and said, 'Of course I can't evaluate myself.'
A and S both rushed on stage yelping, 'I'll evaluate you!', trying to elbow each other of stage.
F said they could both evaluate him.

A said, 'Many speechmakers appeal to our sense of pity and tell sob stories which leave us in tears. And this happened tonight when F told us about the poor employers!'
He grabbed F's tie and sobbed into F's chest. F who is over six foot tried to back away in embarrassment and the audience was in hysterics.

S said, 'Like all good speeches it had had a good opening, a muddle and an end.'
It took me twenty seconds to grasp that muddle was a pun on middle.

I managed to cough only when speeches ended.
The General Evaluator T said that B had done an able job taking over as Toastmaster because another member was ill. T looked at me, B pointed at my head, and I did a coughing myself to death impersonation.

Sh gave a talk on colour used in business, for logos and of clothes at interviews.
Her evaluator W said that next time he must wear a brighter shirt, but not pink.
F shouted, 'Except when you're cross-dressing!'

I was in the front row. N gave a speech about Remember To Check The Data, and described a holiday booked on the wrong date by his wife - he pointed to me and said 'my wife - Angela'.
He had to cut short the speech on seeing the red light, ran off, and then back on stage, adding, 'Remember to check the data.'

His evaluator said, 'First I must congratulate N and Angela on their recent wedding, which was a surprise to all of us.'
I said, 'It was a surprise to me, too.'
The evaluator concluded, 'You seemed to forget your ending, N. Did you check your data?'

My topic was, 'If you had nine lives, what would you do with them?'
I said; 'I'd marry nine time and have nine husbands! (I looked gleeful.)
I'd have nine children! (I looked doubtful, then horrified.)
I could start lots of Toastmasters groups. I could learn lots of languages, visit lots of countries. And start lots of businesses - and buy up most of Northwood.

'If I lived to 100 years in each life, as I intend, I'd live 900 years, so most of my friends and relatives, if they only had one life, would soon be gone. So I'd have to make new, younger friends. Perhaps I could be twinned with somebody younger, not too young, maybe a nineteen-year old. Any volunteers! (That got a laugh and I sat down.)
I thought I was amusing but didn't say anything useful.

The evaluation said I was turning into a cat (wasn't until later that I realised he meant cats have nine lives) and had lots of good pauses. Half the audience laughed because they thought he meant to make a pun on 'pawses', which he hadn't realised.

One of the members later said he voted for me because I was logical but he could see me stopping and thinking and he thought that was good for a comedian.

Our only new member was given a more specific question on similar lines: 'If you could have invented one thing, what would it be?'
It wasn't quite clear whether the topics master meant, 'What's the greatest invention ever so far and why do you wish you could have been its proud inventor?' But she meant, 'What's the one new thing you would like to invent to solve a problem?'

The newcomer stood nonplussed and I reckoned loads of people would love to answer either version of the question, so I suggested, 'Ask the audience for suggestions!' Maybe we should always offer that option to newcomers who run out of ideas and need a kick-start.

People in the audience shouted.
He quickly said in response to an idea he didn't like, 'That's one thing I don't think is a good invention because ...'
That was an original way of turning around the question, disagreeing with it, accidentally getting a laugh.
But it could have been done intentionally, for humorous effect, so I learned from that.
I didn't have an official role, nor give a speech, but I seemed to make a contribution - and learn a lot. That's toastmasters for you.

Toastmasters International Conference at Portsmouth

Naughty Fancy Dress
The fancy dress party theme on Friday night was Nautical, because we were near the port of Portsmouth, so I dressed as a
NAUTI-
CALL
GIRL
at the Toastmasters International conference at Portsmouth, the highlight of May 2007.
Before supper a costume suppliers sold me a long blonde wig, long red gloves, long black gloves, short lacey black gloves and a red parasol. I wore the wig and carried the parasol.

I discovered that the long gloves covered my fingers which meant that my rings could not be displayed. I suppose that could be handy when travelling on a train or in public. Also to conceal chipped fingernails. So gloves are a lightweight but handy addition to my travel kit, making a glamorous evening outfit or fancy dress.

Interesting characters included lots of captains in peaked caps plus pirates wearing glamorous three-cornered black hats. A blind man led by his patient black dog was also in fancy dress as a captain. He could not see how dashing and disntinctive he looked (he might have had some vision) but he enjoyed the attention he got.

The band at dinner played with a strong, catchy rhythm. I jumped to my feet and ran on to the dance floor and grabbed the hands of anybody I could to start a circle of dancers.

The Marriot hotel's leisure centre, easily found on the ground floor, contained a small swimming pool, a spa bath and a sauna. I'd used these on Friday afternoon as we arrived early. The 75 mile car journey from London took from about 11 am to 2 pm with a lunch stop at The Devil's Punchbowl. And a detour around Portsmouth looking for the Marriott hotel which is on the outskirts. I had a satnav called a Tom Tom but had forgotten the cable which links into the car's cigarette lighter.

Sightseeing Portsmouth
On Saturday morning the spouses went on an interesting coach trip to Portsmouth which has Nelson's ship Victory, and the ill-fated Mary Rose which sank on its maiden voyage, and was recently recovered

, and the sail-shaped viewpoint called the Spinnaker. The latter is a huge landmark and seen from the motorway as you drive into Portsmouth. The city also has Dickens's birthplace museum.

The most modern and striking tourist attraction is the sail

Voting For Representatives
World Class Speaker On Speaking
On Saturday the Keynote speaker Jana from America was tiny but had her blonde hair piled up elegantly, caught in a long roll at the back. Smartly dressed, she held our attention as she tirelessly limped up and down the main aisle pointing to members of the audience.

Her overhead projector presentation also taught me something new. I noticed that she included pictures on each slide, whilst the presenter advertising next autumn's conference had few or no cartoons on her slides.

Jana also covered up the lower half of the slide, hiding the second three of the six bullet points.
So she had only three to remember and we had only three to look at. Then she uncovered the last three. Again, just three points. Very easy for her to remember and for us to follow.

Competition Speeches

Speech Evaluations
The sample speech being evaluated was about the speaker being a romantic and loving books by the Brontes and Jane Austen.

About eight speech evaluators, winners of club competitions around Britain and Ireland, made commendations (praise) and recommendations.

One of the cleverest evaluations took a word, I think it was sailing, and used that as the structure, e.g. 'S is for structure - and her structure was excellent.' This topical word-play could have been a mere gimmick. But it helped her and the listeners remember the order and title of the aspects of the speech she wanted to cover.

Because her evaluation was good this device gave her evaluation and extra edge of originality and memorability. So although she was not the top speaker, who would win a trip to the international finals in the USA, she was in the top three.

At local level coming second is jolly useful, because often the person who comes first is a professional whose work takes them overseas so that if you are second you are called on to represent your club. I once represented HOD Toastmasters and speakers' club of Stanmore as Speaker. I once represented Harrovians (of Harrow Weald) as speech Evaluator.

Comedy